i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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