god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just cut my nipple shaving
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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