I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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