I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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