I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
