he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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