How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
