im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my shit smells like andre
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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