My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
