I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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