I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
