my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
