you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
