So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
