when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
