Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
