Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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