don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
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All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
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This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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