Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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