Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
