i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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