you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The uberlube is also flammable
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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