party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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