I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
And then he peed in my hair
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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