hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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