Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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