if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
