That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
