I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
