i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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