I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
