you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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