I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
