My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
