If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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