come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
