Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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