i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
