Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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