p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
