I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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