i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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