Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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