so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
