no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
