oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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