Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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