Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
