Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
