i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
