I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
