I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
