Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
