she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
