My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
