The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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